Currently Listening Brand New Day By Sting, Cheb Mami see related

Peace out...

Currently Listening Water (Soundtrack) By Mychael Danna, A.R. Rahman see related

Review #17 – Part 1: Bottled Water Comparison (Joe’s take)

For this review, we wisely enlisted a professional from Claremont Graduate University with extensive education and experience in experimental design and research methods. She aided us in conducting a truly blind experiment, leaving no room in the process for personal biases for certain name brand waters. Water was decanted into clean glasses, served at room temperature, and labelled numerically (#1-5). To ensure against interpersonal influences between Chyo and I during testing, numerical labels corresponded to different waters for each of us. For example, the water in my sample #1 may or may not have been the same water in Chyo's sample #1. Indeed, the vulnerability of not knowing what we were drinking and being able to psychologically fool ourselves into likes and dislikes based on name brand recognition nearly drove us both to utter madness. For this review, we boldly entered new territory, placing ourselves in a position of not being able to denounce a product through extreme, unfounded statements just because we felt like it and knew so clearly that we were right. The objective nature of this review challenged the very essence of everything great about Chyo and Joe’s. Suddenly, we were no longer playing to our unparalleled strengths but facing our improbable weaknesses. However, we both agreed that putting ourselves in this precarious situation was the best way to model to our readers that sometimes it’s okay to take risks, make mistakes, and admit fault. However, I should mention, for the sake of technical accuracy, that our conclusions were essentially what we thought they would be prior to the review process, effectively making the whole set up a big damn waste of time. Furthermore, as you will read in Chyo's section of this review, our "professional in experimental design" apparently fouled up a couple of things that really threw us off our normally impeccable game. All of this goes to show that you should never hire someone for a technical job based on the merit of her physical appearance. Nonetheless, here are my results...

[Review #17 in process]:

   Waters Tested:

   Arrowhead Mountain Spring

   Evian

   Trader Joe's Mountain Spring

   Aquafina

   Pasadena Tap

Note on Water Tasting Jargon:

The term "body" refers to the tactile feeling of liquid upon the palate, not the actual taste of the liquid. Technically, one could argue that the "body" of a liquid refers to the sense of touch, not taste. In general, a light-bodied liquid will feel lighter or "thinner" on the tongue while a full-bodied liquid with feel heavier, "creamier," or "thicker" on the tongue.

Arrowhead Mountain Spring Water (Ranked #4):

Visually unappealing. Lots of little bubbles. I assumed it was from my aerated tap just from looking at it. Light bodied. Tastes like “old” water that sits on your nightstand from the night before which has now collected little dust particles on the surface. Bitter aftertaste, with a dry and abrasive finish that leaves you feeling insecure about your breath.

Evian (Ranked #2):

Initial entry past the lips provokes a strong impression of “clean” water. Medium body, weighing pleasantly on the tongue. Neutral taste on the palate followed by a slightly bitter aftertaste likely attributed to the naturally occurring urine content in any fine, orally consumable French product.

Trader Joe’s Natural Mountain Spring Water (Ranked #1):

Initial taste is very clean and neutral, slightly sweet. Full-bodied, weighing pleasantly “thick,” almost creamy feeling on the palate. Aftertaste leaves a strong, lingering impression of clean. My top pick of the lot by a landslide, a large landslide.

Aquafina (Ranked #3):

Medium-light bodied with an exceptionally “soft” feel on the tongue. Initially very neutral taste that transitions into a slightly bitter, mineral taste, reminiscent of the “tap water flavor” but not in an obviously offensive way. Surprisingly transitions into the sweetest aftertaste of the bunch.

Pasadena Tap Water (Ranked #5):

Medium bodied. Slightly bitter and “old” tasting, with a hint of sour. Offensive “pool water” chlorine taste with a dry, bitter finish. “Toilet water” aftertaste forces an instinctual “bitter beer” grimace.

Part 2: Bottled Water Comparison (Chyo's Take)

I have to admit, I AM A BOTTLED WATER SNOB.  I was one of those spoiled children who grew up drinking Sparkletts fluoridated water which was faithfully delivered to our home by the Sparkletts man in the too short shorts who drove the green GMC trucks with the "Sparkly" green sequins that danced around the word "Sparkletts" on the back of the truck.  I have strong opinions on bottled water:  I readily admit that my hands-down favorite is Aquafina and I absolutely abhor drinking Arrowhead.  More on this later.  Nevertheless, in the interest of accuracy and an unbiased review, as Joe explained earlier, I performed a blind taste test of 5 different samples of water.  I know there are those of you out there who claim that there is no difference in taste between tap water and bottled water and especially between different bottled water brands.  You call people like and Joe and me "water poseurs" or "H2O snobs." Perhaps you should consider the possibility that the problem may actually be your own.  You may have underdeveloped, immature taste buds or a palatte that has a limited taste vocabulary.  To those of you who mock us, read on to see if I actually can accurately distinguish the different tastes in water.  Alright, enough prefacing on my part!  To the results we go, from 1st to last place:

Review #15: Review #14

Loyal readers of C & J’s, for once, I am at a loss for words. I’m sure many of you assumed I would have much to say much sooner regarding Chyo’s last post. However, the piercing anger that consumed me after reading Review #14 drove me instead to nearly two months of drunken silence and isolation while I took a personal retreat with the monks of Chimay. Meanwhile, I hope you all enjoyed the holidays. Every year it warms my heart to think that because Jesus was born, we all have a lot more stuff. He is truly the reason for the season…and the killing of thousands of young trees. Brain-teaser: How does a hard core environmentalist celebrate Christmas? By killing a real tree or by supporting the dirty oil-burning plastics industry by buying a fake one?

Please excuse the intellectual diversion. The stab wound in my back is still very raw and hard to face straight on. But now I must gird up my loins and say what needs to be said in a mature, adult, conflict resolution-seeking manner…  

After weeks of deliberating with my cabinet of monks (which consisted mostly of restrained head nods and slow-motion blinks since these monks have nobly chosen a life of silent inebriation), we concluded that there was only one possible reason for Chyo’s most recent post: erectile dysfunction. Review #14 was simply another example of a man’s need to cut another down when he feels…well…down. Unfortunately, I was the nearest target at the time, clearly on a high from having just written my bombastically dualistic review on the Mini MT-B Series. Chyo, I understand. Okay, to be perfectly honest, I don’t really, but that’s what people say when they want to reach an artificial but quicker resolution to conflict. So let’s talk this over a bottle a Chimay, or perhaps 10, or however many it takes for us to reach that point where we both apologize because we are tired of listening to each other talk unintelligibly in slurs. Seriously my friend, let’s hash this thing out until we both admit fault while secretly thinking that the other person is actually more at fault but we’re being the bigger man by not pressing the point, only to hold the latent grudge for years to come until one day our future kids start wondering why they don’t see each other any more. My prideful hand is extended, holding a $20. The beer’s on me, the guilt is on you. The fish ball is in your side of the hot pot now.

So having said all that, Review #14 is clearly the ugly roasted duckling of our internationally cherished site. On behalf of the entire Chyo and Joe’s 2 Minute Review staff, I apologize to all you readers who have come to revolve your lives around our uncompromisingly superior though intermittent posts. Review #14 is simply an embarrassment to our establishment with all its rich traditions, including our private motto, “The Excellence of Execution,” which was cribbed years ago by none other than the great Bret “The Hitman” Hart.

Joe’s Final Verdict:  

Chyo, I hope my silence and distance has given you ample time to consider the weight of your error against me. Meanwhile, I have decided to take the high road and remain calm and rational, resolving only to take an indirect cheap shot at your manhood despite my secret jealousy in that regard. May it appease your pride to know that with great struggle on my part, your apology for your inexplicably childish behavior is already accepted. Shhhh…don’t say a word. I know… I know.